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Nov. 29th, 2009

Music Videos

I just came to the realization that two of my favourite music videos include a whole lot of vibrant colour.

Thought it was noteworthy.

Regina Spektor - Fidelity (watch to the end to see the colour I refer to)

The New Pornographers - Challengers

anyway, I guess I am in a bit of a lovely dovey mood... but yea, enjoy :)

Oct. 28th, 2009

(no subject)

I never thought I could be this strong. I don't find any particular religious foundations behind it, but I have to say that I'm really surprised.
I don't think I've ever had a friendship that lasted. To be honest, my parents have repeatedly been the only thing on this earth that has kept me going forward. I really don't know what I would have done without them. At this point it is really hard for me to keep caring. For whatever reason I have always lost friends and no one has ever fought for my friendship. I always seem to be the one eager to resolve conflict and I don't know why I'm like that. I don't THINK I'm too clingy, but... maybe? Do I just throw away the people that are worth it and keep the ones that are not worth it?

I don't get it. I can't be that alienating? What the hell is wrong with me. I'm so upset.

Anyway.... this seems to be the only forum where I can vent these thoughts easily without people truly knowing who I am. At least on here I remain anonymous.

Man this is such a hard patch for me. I'm not sleeping well... I've just become so upset with this current situation and can't really get over the fact that no one wants to keep me around. I'm gonna show them, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.

I'm tired of my best friends being the cast of television shows.

Jul. 24th, 2009


I just came to a brilliant realization. There were three things that made me think:

Recently, I had a back injury: I was lifting too much while traveling and I am still recovering. Last night I got really angry at a friend and feigned an illness as opposed to coming out and telling him the problem. Meanwhile, my other friend is really open when being fed up and is not afraid to show her emotions.

These things led me to realize one thing: I am so scared of being a girl that I have gotten used to being so strong and independent that I don't allow myself to be helped at all. If I had let someone help me carry that bag I would not have had the back issues. If I had had it out with my friend then and there I would not be feeling as crappy as I am right now. If I just let my friends see my emotional side once and a while, there is a slight chance they would actually care a little bit more when I am upset. Hopefully it would be enough that they could actually talk it out with me instead of facing my demons alone. I guess it really is okay to be that girl who is actually emotional and human. I need to tell myself this more often just so I can actually be healthy and human.

It sounds kind of silly since it seems so obvious. I guess it is only appropriate to feel things out once and a while and let people help you through.

Apr. 19th, 2009

Writer's Block: Shhhh

Would you ever go on a silent retreat? How long do you think you could go without talking?

This is pretty easy. A lot of times I go without talking, so I think it would be pretty simple for me to go without for a while. I think it may even be good for me. I may listen more :) Even though I make a point out of listening well every day.

I would be up for the challenge :)

Feb. 23rd, 2009

Writer's Block: Dressed to Impress

Who had the best outfit at the Oscars this year? Who had the worst?

I am nowhere near a Fashionista, but I just had to say that Kate Winslet was the most stunning of all at the award show last night. It is really like they said - she looked like Grace Kelly. And man do I love that dress!

Feb. 17th, 2009

New Beginnings?

So, I haven't been on here for a while... This happens too often.

Let's see, what's new?


A haircut
Single-dom (phew!)
Another birthday and non the wiser
Love for Neil Patrick Harris (why is he gay?)
Crush on a colleague (always fun, yet potentially awkward)
Working my butt off (good) but not for school (bad)
May be going to England (yey!) or getting a job in my business (slightly less yey)
Bored as always with school (wish I could be a part time student... doesn't work that way I guess)

And, as we talk, I am sick in bed during my reading week (always a pleasure) and I just realized I have 99 million more things I need to do that I didn't realize I'd need to. Why do I always get myself into these messes?

Anyone know anything about computer programming and want to finish a course for me? Alas, I don't think I'd ever be that desperate, but I wish I had never taken this course.

Urgh, maybe it will be benificial.

I need new music...

Jan. 1st, 2009

(no subject)

So how am I doing on my new years resolutions?

Turns out.... Not too well! hahaha I think I may be hopeless today but I know not all is lost. lets see.... weight loss, laziness and eating properly have all gone out the window. Well.... laziness has come in through the bathroom window. since it is now 4:15 and I haven't been outside, I JUST changed out of my pj's and I had champagne and rum balls and peanut brittle as a little after thought to breakfast (served at noon) oh dear!

Life is hardly horrendous, but I haven't worked out today and I'm feeling a LITTLE guilty. Oh well. I worked out for an hour yesterday and today has felt very "Sunday-ish" and I am thoroughly enjoying it. Plus, day after tomorrow I go back on a train to start another semester of kicking my degree's ass around the world. May be doing an internship at NYU this year *crosses fingers and wishes hard*. Man that would be amazing. Cinematography....sound production....broadcasting.... if I get into their internship course my graduate application would pretty much write itself.

I hope that comes to pass. But until then I can just sit around lazy as I'll get out and dream of my future film career, watching greats such as Hitchcock, Wilder, Welles, Curtiz..... *sigh*

Dec. 31st, 2008

(no subject)

New Year's Resolution

So, I cannot believe we are here again, but here are my resolutions!

1) Lose weight - there is always weight to be lost, and I feel with my 20th birthday pushing me (I know, 20 is nothing but it makes me feel... I'll just come out and say it.... old). See I've always been the young one, so it kind of frightens me. I feel that I am getting to be a place in my life where it is just not acceptable to be this size and I want more than ever just to heighten my beauty by dropping the pounds... it will feel amazing. Plus I'm already working out every day so I know I can make it this year.

2) Pay more attention to myself - These resolutions make me sound so self centred but I think it is about time I focussed a little more on myself especially when it comes to how I look. I need to start dressing better and paying more attention to my face which is REALLY looking rough these days. There is no reason for my not doing at least those two small things.

3) Be less lazy - I have a habit of getting in a routine where I will go to my class last minute, or really procrastinate things such as cleaning my room and doing the laundry, or vacuuming even. Unacceptable.

4) Do not delay getting back to people - I am sure that you may find me annoying on here because I do not respond to comments quickly. I don't know, it is just a force of habit. Not anymore.

5) Eat Properly I will put effort in my meals, and this goes hand in hand with number three. Only rarely will I give in to my laziness and order in. A new cookbook means new eating habits.

So this year, it looks like I will be bringing my focus a little more inside myself. The reason for this is simply - I have always put others before me... I have noticed as much as I like helping others I cannot let myself suffer for it. Sounds really selfish, but oh well.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! Thank you for a great 08 and all the best in 2009!

Dec. 16th, 2008

(no subject)

So it seems that I pretty much come on here to complain about this or that but I thought I'd write this here just to get it all out and maybe figure things out.

I am in a relationship with a boy I am really falling for.... or at least I was. We are still together and I do not know if I should continue falling for him and actually stay with him or if it is not worth it. Are all relationships this difficult?

We have been together for more than 2 months, and we used to see each other once a week and have recently moved it up to at least twice a week - more without classes. Now I am away from him for the break and I decided that it was a regular thing that he would not call me daily, and in fact I convinced myself that it was his simple phobia of phones. But now I am convinced there must be something wrong.

He is still writing exams, so I would like to think that he has been studying a lot lately, but something bugs me. Today I went on msn, yes msn of all things, and after I was online for about 30 seconds he went offline. I always start the conversations and I really think he is not into this whole relationship thing. I wish I knew what was up but since we are not in the same city and not able to talk through msn I really don't know what to do. It is frustrating that you can miss someone so much and not have them even really want to talk to you when you're available. He only has one exam left, could he have at least talked to me for a simple moment? I am consistently left with the feeling that I am the only one in the relationship. Obviously I have to wait and approach the subject in the New Year, but I am really fed up. Gosh I've used the word "really" a lot.

Maybe I'm just paranoid? Please can I just be paranoid? I just want that little con in the back of my head that's telling me I'm being silly to just be right.

He seems to care enough when I'm with him.

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